Sometimes, open relationships just suck.
I say this as someone who’s been
practicing responsible, open, non-monogamy my whole adult life. I’m
normally a cheerleader for open relationships, especially in my writing.
There are plenty of misconceptions about what open relationships are
like, and too few voices talking about how great it is to send your
husband off to his date night and have the house to yourself for a few
hours. I love talking about the good parts.
It’s not all good, though. I’m going to take a moment to explore some of the hard parts.
Needing a Teleporter – It’s
always somebody’s birthday at the same time as someone else’s violin
recital. Or worse, somebody’s broken heart needs soothing at the same
moment someone else has a car break down and needs a rescue. I can’t be
in two places at once, try as I might, and I often feel torn between
competing sets of needs. This might seem obvious, but it is hands down
consistently my least-favorite thing about being poly. I want to be
every good thing in my loved ones’ lives, and the tug-of-war over my
priorities just rubs in the fact that I’m simply human, with painful
limitations on what I can offer even to the people I love most.
Spillover – When things are good
in my life, they tend to be good all over. And similarly, when they’re
bad they are horrid, as the saying goes. Relationship stress tends to
ripple out and affect other relationships. One partner has a jealous fit
because I’m spending too much time with another, who in turn gets upset
because I’m suddenly distant and stressed out in response, and the
difficulty with those two causes me to be distracted and less available
to a third, who then feels alienated by my lack of attention. Just for
example.
Surprise! Big Feelings – Jealousy
is the one that gets the most attention, but surprise feelings can take
all kinds of shapes: anger, fear, sadness, envy, inadequacy. Being in
an open relationship means confronting the limits of your relationships,
and it can be all too easy to start comparing yourself to someone else
in your lover’s life. You might feel fine about some aspect of your
partner’s relationship with their other lover, and then, boom, you’re
emotionally overwhelmed.
Scheduling – Ask any poly person
what they love least about their lifestyle and you’ll hear a rousing
chorus of “scheduling!” Trying to keep the logistics of several people’s
social lives straight is a nightmare, even when everyone is happily
getting their needs met. On top of the logistical hassles, scheduling
often becomes the dumping ground for people’s sublimated feelings about
bigger things. Every social outing can start to fill imbued with
meaning.
Loss – Daring to love means
opening yourself up to the possibility of loss. Lives and relationships
change, people grow apart or move away or evolve into needing different
things. I don’t know if polyamorous relationships are more likely to end
than monogamous ones. I’ve seen data saying they’re about equally
stable, but there’s not a lot of research on the topic. What I do know
is that people in open relationships tend to form interdependent
networks of relationships, so one relationship changing or ending
affects many others. My husband and his girlfriend recently scaled back
their relationship and the impact has rippled out onto our marriage and
even put strain on my other relationships.
Bonus Point: Social Stigma –
Being poly means being on the fringes of the relationship landscape.
Even if you have a job where it’s safe to be out about your personal
relationships and friends and family who warmly accept your choices,
it’s still hard. Your relationships aren’t reflected in popular culture,
social assumptions are all built around monogamy and even in the
best-case scenario, where everyone you love fully accepts your choices,
you still have to explain yourself and push back against the assumption
of monogamy as a default state.
Now, I don’t know from experience, but
it’s my impression that monogamous relationships have to deal with these
issues too, with the possible exception of social stigma. In fact,
these troubles aren’t limited to romantic relationships at all. I have
these issues with my kids and my parents, my friends and my colleagues,
as well as with my lovers. The problem isn’t polyamory, it’s simply the
shadow side of attempting intimacy of any kind with another human being.
When we get close to people, we make ourselves vulnerable to hurt and
entangle our own needs to some extent with other people’s. That said,
some of these problems arise in particular ways that are unique to
polyamory, and it’s worth paying attention to that.
Next time, I’ll come back in a better mood with a list of my favorite things about open relationships!
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